Happy Sunshine Gang Volume 21

Letter from the Editor
Well. In the news this week, we hope that you have made a somewhat successful return to school. At the very least, we hope that no one has thrown any tomatoes at you. That can be rather unpleasant; not that we'd know from experience.

Also, we hope that you will submit your ideas/articles/serials/souls (what???) for this blog/newspaper thing. We thrive on your humble consideration, and I know that I for one would love to see some reader submitted material.

Like any reader material.

If you would like to submit something, please share or attach it in an email to niesbixby@gmail.com. I will receive, review, and possibly publish it with your name on it. That's right, we will give you full credit. We do not go in for breaking copyright laws up in here.

With that in mind, please enjoy this week's issue!
-Glinda, Witch of the North
Music
This week in Music we have a review of the choral arrangement Dance on My Heart. Here are the lyrics below, and below that, the letter.

Once two handsome gentlemen asked a fair young maid a question:
"What must we do to win your hand and gain your kind affection?"
One said he was "stronger by far," than any other man that she'd meet.
Also being braver than most, said, "Please marry me- I'm adoringly sweet."

Then, said the other, "What if I give you diamonds and pearls, would you be my bride?
I can offer power and riches. All through your life you'll be satisfied!"

"Well," she replied, "I'd make my selection,
and you'd receive my love and affection
if you danced on my heart, if you sang to my soul.
But alas! My heart is not pounding
and your songs are not sounding.
Therefore, I cannot marry you."

Then a kindly gentleman asked the fair young maid the question:
"What must I do to win your hand and gain your kind affection?
I can only promise to love you, be at your side through all of my life.
I will be your faithful companion! Come take my hand, say you'll be my wife."

"Sir," she replied, "you are my selection,

and you'll receive my love and affection

for you dance on my heart, you sing to my soul.

I'll take your hand,

wear your wedding band.

Yes, kind sir, I will marry you!"

Dear Mrs. Petroff,

Yes, I know you’ve missed this very much. My letters to you nitpicking about things in Choir make everyone’s day. In this one, I would like to detail some things about the song you gave us in class a few days ago, Dance on My Heart.

I’m not actually sure when this song was written, but I assume it was written sometime between 1939 and now, given that that’s when Mr. Koepke, the composer was alive. Even given that, it has some very disturbing implications.

First, I have a serious issue with the fact that the first guy thinks that all he has to do is tell the girl he wants to marry that he’s really strong. As if that’s the only quality necessary in a successful marriage! What if he’s got a temper? Might he not use his strength to physically dominate her? Clearly he is not a good choice.

Next, I have a problem with the second handsome gentleman trying to bribe the fair young maid into marrying him. Besides being ridiculously creepy, it implies that even the young man knows that the only reason any man would marry him is for his money. The dude needs to get some serious self esteem. Maybe then he wouldn’t be trying to sell himself to this girl.

The next item is basically the only thing I approve of. That the girl refuses to marry either of them, because she wants to marry for love. You go, fictional girl in a song. You defy those time period gender conventions.

And then that last guy shows up and basically says that he can only love her all his life and be her faithful companion, and always be at her side. Disregarding the blatant stalkerish vibes, this seems like a pretty good proposal. But because I’m me, of course I can’t disregard the stalkerish vibes. Oh my god. This guy is seriously creepy. He’s basically promising to stalk her for the rest of her life? What if she decides she doesn’t want to stay married to him? Will he be that weird ex husband who follows her around to all of her social functions? This seems a little psychopathic to me.

So, the composer is basically saying that women can either marry for physical qualities, marry for money, or to men that will stalk you all your life. That’s a fairly pessimistic view coming from a man. Is he saying that men fall into those three categories? That’s rather misandrist of him, which is actually kind of surprising.

But then, my final revelation. There is no evidence that the fair young maid knows any of these men. That’s really kind of creepy. How is the third guy going to love her forever if he’s just meeting her now? And what kind of guy proposes to a woman he’s just met? What if she hates all three of them? This is clearly not a scenario that is likely to produce a stable union with any of these three men. So this song is a little disturbing.

Thank you for listening, again.

Sincerely,

-Glinda, Witch of the North

Thoughts for the Apocalypse Thrillseeker

In Which I Extol the Virtues of Bananas

Yes, I realize that this column has gotten absolutely insane. I really am trying, you guys. So hold back your criticism, I pray you.

In the words of a certain Doctor, bananas are good. I am not disputing that fact, nor do I seek to undermine the words of Chris Eccleston. I find bananas quite delicious, especially when one has not eaten any breakfast and has to entreat one's spanish teacher for a banana. 

Not that that's ever happened to me.

Bananas are primarily grown in central Atlantica, where they are farmed by the natives, also known as the Sandwich Eaters. One wonders why they are not named the Banana Eaters, given the crops they tend, but we shall not go into that at the moment. 

The Sandwich Eaters are a very tribal people, living in huts made out of banana trees, roofed with banana leaves, and insulated with banana peelings. The death rate amongst the Sandwich Eaters is rather high, given a genetic mutation that makes them deathly allergic to bananas. 

Indeed.

The Sandwich Eaters that survive to adulthood tend to be very short, swarthy, and have intense cravings for mangoes. Yes, this is starting to resemble a Monty Python sketch. Not that that's necessarily a bad thing. 

Unfortunately, upon eating mangoes, they die immediately. So the Sandwich Eaters are actually a very rare tribe, and should be treated with care whenever you may run across one of them. You just never know. They might decide to include you in one of their blood rites.

-Glinda, Witch of the North

Happy Sunshine Gang Volume 21

Letter From the Editor
Greetings and good day to you all, mes amis. As you may or may not be aware, we have been in school for a week, and by virtue of that, we have decided to have yet another issue declaiming different things about school. Or as it is better known in some circles, shule. So don't forget to do your hermworm, but join us on another epic ride.

Opinion

Welcome to Horror

Hello, HSG readers! I would like to introduce myself as quick as possible so that I save your time and my own(it is very precious). I’m Lady Felixa, and I’m just another writer on the HSG team that’s been waiting many months to get to where I am now. So, let’s get started with my article for my very first week here!

I’ve titled this Welcome to Horror because of the upcoming event taking place on the dreaded September 2nd- School has returned. The terror of education has loomed over me since my registration on August 21st(Oops, now you know my grade! Spoilers!). I do believe I speak for a small percentage of us when I say that I almost just want the torture to begin already so that I may stop being bustled through stores searching for binders and notebooks that I might not even use, signing forms, and awaiting my yearly physical for activities that my parents force me into and I inevitably drop out of sooner than you can say ‘Co-curricular athletics’.

But I know many of us are dreading the date that we must drag our feet into that building and sit through another year of the same teachers droning on and on about graphs or cells. On the other hand, though, I do assume that everyone is preparing(or putting-off preparing)! Girls are buying new make-up and reading tabloids to catch up on the upcoming fall fashions. And of course, boys are making sure they have all of their forms turned in so that they may enter sports as soon as the first bell rings.

The real thought on my mind though, is this; the new kids. We’ve been hearing of them all summer- seeing new families moving in next door to friends, spotting them with a small group of forced-friends of their neighbourhoods. But school is as vicious as Roman rule; how will they survive? So, here is my ending question, young bloods: Were you ever a new kid? If so, how did you make it this far? Write your answers to Happy Sunshine Gang(email)!

Cheerio!

   Lady Felixa

Thoughts for the Apocalypse Thrillseeker
As Promised, Satan is Santa
Yes, I know this has absolutely nothing to do with school or hermworm, but I promised it in the last issue and I would feel terribly guilty if I didn't come through for you little heretics. I like you.

So, off we pop. As many of us know, Satan, dark lord of all, is a powerful being that resides in Hell and may or may not rule over sinners. And Santa is a being of light that gives gifts to the good children of the world.

In a weird way, it kind of makes sense. Satan takes a month off every year and rewards his best workers in Hell by allowing them to come out and make toys for a month. He fosters greed in children by giving them gifts unasked for, and also gets a peek and the Naughty and Nice lists. I'll repeat that; he finds out exactly who he needs to be tempting to get more sinners in Hell. And who he should just leave alone.

Satan is Santa. It makes a strange sort of sense.

Glinda, Witch of the North

Stereotypical States
This week, we shall be exploring the wonderful state of Illinois. Illinois is filled to the brim with people who either fall into the category of rude, shovy, urbanites, or happy pig farmer. Illinoians subsist mainly on a diet of corn and bacon, and worship the god Abraham Lincoln.