The Happy Sunshine Gang
No. 10.
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The Happy Sunshine Gang
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September 13th, 2013
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Friday the Thirteenth Edition... Wah?
For those of you who don’t know, today is Friday (PLEASE DON’T QUE AWFUL SONG BEARING THIS TITLE). However, it is not just any Friday. Today is Friday the 13th. It has been decided that the HSG will do something different and related to death for each Friday the 13th. Enjoy!
-The Infamous Gavin Stalin
What to do When Your Time Has Come
Hello. Death, here. I’m glad that you’ve come to join our seminar. If you’re here, that means you have died recently. Well to prepare you for all your eternal needs, follow these five simple steps:
1. Remember That Nobody Can Save You
And that means no... body. Living or dead, once you enter the Lands of Death (I wonder who that’s named after) there is no escaping. Trust me, many have tried. Have you ever heard of Orpheus? Oh yes, I can see some of you might have heard his story. Yes, he tried to have his dead love escape, but I got her, and him too.
The sooner you accept that you are stuck here forever (and ever and ever. MWAHAHAHAHA) the better for you. You don’t want to live in eternal punishment, do you?
2. Pay the Ferryman
No matter what YOU MUST PAY THE FERRYMAN! When you enter my office, you will see the Ferryman, and a long line of ghosts. If you pay the Ferryman you will get access to your fate right away. But if you don’t you will be waiting in a long line, with me to keep you company for a few millenia. And I warn you: destroying helpless souls is one of my favorite pastimes.
Oh and if you do make it onto the Ferryman's boat without paying, it is very common that souls like that ‘accidently ‘ fall into the River of Death.
3. Don’t Fall into the River of Death
Congratulations! You have made it onto the Ferryman’s boat. You are on your way to you FINAL destination. Your ride may be a bit bumpy. Hold on tight! You will notice along the River of Death (or the River Styx, for you Myth-o-maniacs) that there may be many lost souls trying to climb aboard. These are souls who have ‘accidentally’ fallen into my favorite river. (It is named after me, isn’t it?) They are there for all eternity.
My advice: Don’t fall into the River of Death.
4. Please the Judges or Die (Again!)
There will be three judges. We have hired the judges to be people that absolutely hate you. They will decide your fate out of three choices: Elysium (eternal happiness and joy on a tropical island), Fields of Asphodel (sitting in a field for all of eternity wondering who and what you are), or Fields of Punishment (my favorite, eternal punishment).
A silly assumption: You want to get into Elysium.
Then please the judges. They will judge your soul, based on what you have done to make others feel happy, sad, angry, annoyed, and everything else. Basically moral character. I hope to see you in the Fields of Punishment, where you will become Cerberus's (my three headed dog. He’s so cute) play toy.
5. Remember That Nobody Can Save You
The same as Step 1, yes. But you need to know. No one will come in to save you, from eternal punishment, or any other fate for that matter. As a matter of fact, anyone will worry about themselves, not you! So enjoy your fate, whatever it may be!
Remember! You’re dead! So let’s make the best of it! Good bye! Remember the five steps! Bye, now! See ya’!
Hello. Death, here. I’m glad that you’ve come to join our seminar...
-Our new unnamed writer
Phrases You Don’t Want to Hear on Friday the 13th and Why You Don’t Want to Hear Them
- Attention: A prisoner has just escaped from the insane asylum. He was tracked for 10 miles to the creek in our town, but nothing else was found. Why don’t you want to hear this? I recommend taking a look in your backyard, which backs up to the creek.
- Who could that be at this hour? It’s not the telephone. The line was cut...
- Where is my gun that I keep on my headboard? Well, dogs have been known to shoot their owners before, so what if your toaster is angry?
- What happened to my knife? You payed good money for that!
- What’s that dripping sound...? I’m tired of telling you! Make an inference!
- “Ahhhhhh! Tommy!” ...
- *silence* If you value your life, please turn around... now.
-The Infamous Gavin Stalin
New Writer
Our new writer is still being lazy. They have been told that if they still want to write then they will give us a letter of introduction or be replaced. We’re not condescending at all, are we?
-The Infamous Gavin Stalin
‘The Form’
At last minute I am changing the subscription/ordering materials process to simply contacting our creative works director, Glinda, Witch of the North, at niesbixby@gmail.com, or contacting her asistanty-person, ScienceWalls at luckylydi@gmail.com.
-The Infamous Gavin Stalin
Opinions
We want to hear what you have to say about the Happy Sunshine Gang, or about other events or things in our world. Or our heads. Yes, that works, too. If you give your opinions in written form via a hard copy, or as an email to niesbixby@gmail.com or luckylydi@gmail.com, it may be published in the HSG.
-The Infamous Gavin Stalin
Serial
This year, the HSG plans on continuing with a regular serial (regular in the meaning that there will consistently be one, not that they will be regular) each week/issue. Last year, it was found that the HSG’s serial was one of the most major draws to the HSG.
Serial... Cereal?
All right. Now that I’ve cleared out all the outsiders, I feel that we can properly begin. Once, in a land far away (but not really), and long ago (but actually quite recently), there was a curious feud between members of rival cereal companies. How it started, no one really knows, but the general feeling at the time was that they had gone too far and worked to hard to sabotage each other to even consider ending said feud. One thinks that they were just being stubborn, and in fact, enjoyed battling one another. But that’s neither here nor there now. It’s long been over with. (Or has it?)
Word Search
‘Shule’ by Gavin Stalin
Conspiracy, Lies, Brainwashing, Shule, Hermworm, Communism, Distraction, Tests, Spy, Sham
Creativity Corner
The Creativity Corner has received something that we will put in! However, due to a policy flaw (which was never realized because this was never used), it will be in next issue. A special thanks goes out to the person who wrote for us!
Stereotyping States
Who knows? Our writers thought that this section would be fun. So, without any further explanation...
Arizona
Ah, yes... And now we arrive in Arizona, the state were elderly people come to fry... LITERALLY. With scorching temperatures, someone who lives there said “It’s not so bad... You just stay inside all summer.” Also, when it rains, the road becomes instant river... Just add “Ahhhhhh!”.
33 Haikus About Poetry
I wrote 33 haikus about poetry last year for poetry warmup exercises. Enjoy!
Poetry II
Poetry is a
Descriptive way to pen words
Not as much boredom
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Thoughts for the Independent Mind
Child Abuse
I can’t run,
It’s a loaded gun,
I’m pressed against a wall.
Running from the empire,
Another misfire,
My happiness is all gone.
Faster and faster,
Must outrun the master,
BANG! My life is done.
I have written this poem in hopes that I will raise awareness for children living in abusive homes. Thousands of children go through physical and emotional torment each day. I realize this is just a drop in the bucket but we, as students, have to start somewhere. If I made just one person think about how tremendous of a problem child abuse is, this will have been my greatest accomplishment yet.
-This has been me, inflicting you with my thoughts. Thoughts for the Independent Mind.
-Science Walls
Thoughts for the Apocalypse Thrillseeker
Misophonia: A Case Study
Misophonia: an extremely low tolerance of certain noises. I have it, and I know several other people who do.
Now, you may be wondering, what kinds of sounds is she talking about? Well, it varies from person to person. For me it’s vocal noises and just certain people’s voices. It’s nothing personal, it’s just that the sound of your voice makes me want to strangle you.
Another thing that sets me off: gum chewing. Especially when you’ve got it all soft and gush and you’re sucking your spit around it and chewing it with your mouth open. I do not know for the life of me why it is so difficult for them to chew with their mouths closed! But I digress. So yes, spitty noises make me want to rip my ears off and your tongue out.
Another thing: sniffing. No, I don’t mean smelling a flower or your lunch. I mean snorting your snot back up your nose instead of blowing it out like a normal human being. Especially when the classroom is really quiet during a test and there’s just this one person snorting away. They’re always right next to you, of course. And, I mean, it’s not as if the Kleenex box is all the way across the room. It’s always right next to the person. But no, they can’t be bothered to get up and walk ten feet and prevent me from strangling them. Oh, no. That’s just way too much to ask.
One last thing, before I’m finished. People banging typing really hard. I’m trying to concentrate on my work and there they are, blissfully banging away on the keyboard. I mean come on. If you break that thing, somebody is going to have to pay for it to be fixed or replaced. Save somebody 50 bucks and type lighter. Not to mention that there are a whole bunch of people trying to work!
Okay, I promise this is the last one. Scraping your silverware along a plate. It makes this hideous screeching noise that makes my ears bleed. And it’s probably not just me. The entire room is probably plotting to form a lynch mob and come after you for making us scream inside our heads.
So, a final note. Don’t make irritating noises in front of misophoniacs, or you may find yourself in compromising situations involving weapons and/or lynch mobs.
-Glinda, Witch of the North
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